My Dark Night of the Soul

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I’ve been in hibernation the last month or so. This is nothing new, I experience it regularly. I have pushes of great exertion and high motivation when ideas flow and I get things done. Then I have dips when my demeanor alternates in intensity from moody and closed-off to depressed and sick. Sometimes my dips are very low indeed. I turn inside myself and seek a dark, protected spot in my mind to wallow in. Here I find the familiar and comfortable emotions of despair and worthlessness. I stay in this place only for a while, always pulling out in the nick of time to dodge full-on depression. Don’t worry – my dips are not always this low. Most of the time I just need solitude and rest, a time for turning in and taking stock, facing hard truths so I can move forward with renewed vigor. I don’t take phone calls and I spend more time than is probably acceptable under the covers. These times are often accompanied by physical dips too, fatigue, headaches, or pain, which further encourage me to take it easy.

I can honestly say this cycle has recurred throughout my entire life. As a child, I simply went into my daydream world and spent lazy days in bed staring at the ceiling or reading a good book. Sometimes I would cry for no reason. My mom knew to leave me be. But as I grew into an adult, it became evident this type of behavior was not acceptable and I began fighting my emotional dips with every manor of defense. I tried to pray them away, I tried to medicate them away, I tried to psychoanalyze them away and when I had a high-stress monkey-suit job, I tried to work them away, spending feverish hours in my office forcing productivity. All of these “remedies” usually only led to a deepening of the extreme. In the end, my need for downtime would always force itself one way or another either through a total emotional break-down or major sickness. These times were terrifyingly dark and for a while, I was convinced I might, in fact, be bipolar.

But now as I write about it I take a deep breath of relief knowing that I’m not mentally ill; I’m just me. At some point in the last few years when I began exploring my place in this world and in this universe, I made a fascinating discovery – I am who I am. Certain aspects of me will not change because they are innately engraved in my being, one of those aspects being this cyclical thing that happens, my regular highs and lows. And what’s more, now I know this is not unique to me. Every aspect of life is cyclical. This is a basic truth whether you’re looking at it through the eyes of nature spirituality or through the eyes of science; cycles are at the base of just about everything. Why should it be any different for us? It’s not. Albeit for me, my highs and lows may be more pronounced than for others – I’ve discovered in this process that I’m a highly sensitive and intuitive person, the result being that I feel everything intensely and my emotions often manifest physically. But regardless of the intensity of it, everyone needs downtime! We all need regular rest and recharging and our bodies are not shy about letting us know when that time is nigh. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if people everywhere began to pay attention to their bodies and took time to rest more often than their two weeks vacation. I envision a changed world!

Okay, I know not everyone has the luxury of living a life that allows for natural flow, ups and downs, cycles. I get that. People have jobs, families to take care of. Life marches on. But I tell you what – just the knowledge that these cycles exist has made all the difference for me. Now, when I recognize my downturn coming on, I give myself a little more room, more time. I don’t beat myself up with guilt over unfinished tasks. Aware of my own unique sensitivities, I listen to my body and give it plenty of care. I rest when I can. I sleep in when I can. I drink plenty of hot tea. And sometimes I just allow myself a damn good cry. All the while knowing it won’t last forever. Soon enough I’ll be back on my feet, kickin’ ass and takin’ names. Just knowing and accepting this makes me more sane and healthy.

I’m curious to know if you’ve recognized a similar cycle in your life? Please leave a comment if any of this rings true for you. If not, I encourage you to pay attention to your body and feelings over the next few months. When you’re feeling low energy, or sickly or tired or just sad – why not stop and feel it for a bit? Give yourself permission to rest and see what happens.

As for me, I’m getting a renewed burst of energy now. The sun is shining more brightly and I’m ready to get’er done (as they say around these parts). Knowing that this is my window, I plan on taking full advantage. Which means more blog posts. Yay!

Mindfulness and Thich Nhat Hanh

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Photo of Thich Nhat Hanh by Don Farber

Nine years ago, after moving into a duplex, I came across a thin, worn paperback that a former tenant left behind. The book was Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh. Having no interest at the time, I unceremoniously stacked it with my other books where it melted into the rest of my neglected collection.

It wasn’t until after I read the book, five years and two moves later, that I surmised the former tenant must have left it as a gift. You see, this book actually changed me. It changed my perception and possibly even changed how things unfolded in my life. I know this sounds like a huge claim; I usually try to stay away from exaggeration, it just really isn’t my style. But this book kicked a switch in me. There’s no other way to put it.

Hanh’s simple message was unhindered by the trappings of analytical thought or of political or religious positioning or even of personal opinion. It was just a message. A message about the present moment and how to recognize it and experience that present moment. So why was this so life changing? Well, it was the first time anyone ever told me I could achieve a genuine and intense sense of peace wherever I was, whatever I was doing. I didn’t need to meditate for an hour, I didn’t need to go to a retreat, I didn’t need to take ten action steps toward personal fulfillment. All I needed to do was breathe and notice my breath, to bring my awareness from the future or the past to right now even if only for a second. It really was that simple.

Hanh calls it mindfulness meditation and says that it can be done while sitting or walking or while doing the dishes or even driving. It can be done while talking on the phone or eating your dinner. Whatever you are doing, you can do with mindfulness. And once I realized that he wasn’t lying and that I really could enact this every day, I was changed.

So what does this have to do with the Unremembered connection to Earth-Nature-Spirit that I’m addressing in this blog? For me, it has everything to do with it. It was the implementation of this mindfulness in my daily life that provided space in my mind to even comprehend such an idea. It wasn’t until I learned to turn off the constant stream of thought and worry, the planning for the future, the regretting of the past, and all of other the crap that constantly filled my mind, that I was able to tune into a more base part of me. The part of me that said there was more to life than thought – there was being. And just being was enough. It’s safe to say that every idea presented in this blog is somehow born out of this mindfulness, this realization of the present moment, this realization of being. (sorry if that sounds hokey but there’s really no other way to say it).

Obviously this is a subject matter too large for one blog post. But I wanted to give at least an introduction into why I jumped into a car last week and drove 12 hours to see Thich Nhat Hanh speak in Denver. It’s not so much that I am a devotee of his, because really I’m not (I’m actually fairly skeptical when it comes to “following” people). It’s more because very few people have motivated the kind of insightful introspection in me as he has. And even fewer have actually inspired lasting change in me the way his words have.

I’ll revisit this in future posts but for now I’d like to leave you with one particular thought that Thich Nhat Hanh mentioned in his talk.

He said (paraphrased) that when you look at a flower remember that it is made only of nonflower things. That flower you hold in your hand is made of the clouds because without the clouds there could be no rain and therefore no flower. Also the flower is made of the sun because without the sun and its warmth and nourishment there could be no flower. The flower is made of the minerals in the soil and it is made of the gardener who planted its seed. The flower is not just a flower, it is all of these things put together and we call it a flower.

It is the same with all things.

Who or what has inspired you?

Earth-Nature-Spirit…What Does it All Mean?

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You may have already gathered that this blog is about our connection to Earth-Nature-Spirit. But I have no doubt this statement leaves you with a few questions. Most notably, you’re probably asking what it really means (and less notably, you may be asking why I insist on scrunching 3 words together into one).

Well, in answer, let me start by saying I don’t actually know what it means yet, not comprehensively anyway. I’m on a journey of questions just like everyone else. But, I can explain why I chose to call it Earth-Nature-Spirit and I think that will give us a nice starting point.

I contemplated the idea of this unremembered connection for years before I thought to pose my theory in blog form. And quite honestly, I’ve always struggled to put a name to it. At first I thought of it as a connection between humans and nature. But that never seemed right. I couldn’t grasp the idea of it – what is nature? Is it the birds? The trees? The ecosystem? Over time, as I studied and pondered and focused on becoming grounded, I became more aware of the Earth beneath my feet. The Earth, in fact, began to have great significance in my life. It held me in place and nourished me. How magnificent this sphere of rock, lava, water, soil that holds steady in perfect alignment with the sun and moon. How often we relegate the idea of the Earth to mere dirt when it is such a powerful force that provides the perfect balance for nature to thrive.

And, of course there are the stars, the galaxies, the whole universe – all too distant and enigmatic for me to comprehend. And yet, I am connected to the higher universe as I am connected to the Earth beneath my feet. The rest of space has its own mysterious force, playing its own role in the balance of it all.

But there is more. What is it that binds us all together? That creates this perfect balance? And what is it that exists inside of me, providing insight and thought, propelling me to bond, to love? Although I cannot define it thoroughly, my gut tells me there is a greater, unimaginable force that plays an all-important role. This is what I call Spirit.

As an aside, you will never see me promote a religion on this blog. I will certainly draw insight and wisdom from various teachings but religion for me is not the key. I’m talking about something deeper that I think transcends our individual beliefs. Whether you are a deeply zealous person or you are one who tends more toward the scientific, I think this thought can apply to everyone.

To draw this to a close, I finally decided to call it Earth-Nature-Spirit because I thought these three words would adequately encompass the different elements I’m trying to describe. I scrunched them together into one because in fact, I have an idea that they are inseparable. To be honest, as I explore this further, I may change it up. I hope to come up with a better word at some point, but for now Earth-Nature-Spirit will serve my purposes well enough.

I’m interested in knowing your thoughts on this. What verbage do you use to describe this idea? Please leave a comment.

Also, check back soon. Next week I’m heading west to the Rocky Mountains and will have thoughts to share from a public talk by Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh.

All About Me

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I suppose since this blog is partially about a personal journey, I should introduce myself and offer a little background.

Hi, my name is Rose…

I would like to tell you that I’m a deep, insightful intellectual who also happens to be artistic, worldly, beautiful and exotic. But, alas, I promised I would be 100% authentic on this blog. Sure I’ve got talents and a few good looks, and I do like to spend a lot of time thinking about…well, just thinking in general. But, really I’m just your run-of-the-mill thirty-something. I live in Oklahoma. I’m married, have a stepdaughter, a job, a house, two dogs, etc.

And, although the content of this blog is a serious matter – that of exploring our connection to Earth-Nature-Spirit – you will find that I’m not always that “serious” of a person. If this blog is partially about me, then you’ll have to endure my dichotomous tone. I definitely have pensive moments when the dew on a blade of grass inspires me. I also have moments of solemnity when I ponder how dire things really are and how quickly we need to change (hence the creation of this blog) but in the end, you’ll see that I can’t really take life too seriously, otherwise I’d be too damned depressed all the time. Sometimes life is dire but sometimes it is actually downright hilarious too. I embrace all of it equally.

So that’s just a little about me. Thank you for reading and please stick around. My goal is to post weekly, if not more.

Also, if you think this subject matter is worth exploring – please share with your friends. This blog is about action and it’s about change – two things we desperately need in this world. Call me an idealist if you must, but I still believe that with enough people on board, we can actually produce change for the entire world from within ourselves. More on that idea to come…

To get a better idea of what this blog will be about, please head over to the About page.

This is me looking very serious and intellectual. I think I was imagining myself as a published author when I snapped this.